We have 39 year old twin daughters who were ‘undiagnosed’ until birth. At that time we already had a 2-year old daughter.
The relationship with ‘the twins’ – I dislike calling them by that name – was perfectly normal until their teenage years. They became aggressive; would not adhere to normal family rules like having a time to come home in the evening; hanging around with the ‘wrong crowd’ and resenting their Father more than their Mother.
In an effort to try and sort the problems out we enlisted the help of a Social Worker – this further enraged them and it was clear that they thought of the family as 2 + 3, i.e. themselves against their parents and elder sibling.
At that time we sought the help of an eminent authority in Twin behaviour and had an appointment to see her in London – ‘the twins’ refused to go – said that ‘they were not mad’ but we were.
The situation calmed down when they got jobs and moved out of the family home and got on with their lives.
Looking back I think we have had a fragile relationship with both of them spanning almost 25 years.
Events got even worse when one of ‘the twins’ emigrated with her family to Australia about 8 years ago. Since then even ‘the twins’ relationship with each other has broken down. The relationship between the remaining twin and her elder sibling is now non-existent – they say they hate each other.
This has had an enormous impact on us, their parents. We have a situation where because the remaining ‘twin’ and her elder sibling cannot bare to be in the same room together – we are unable to have family get togethers as normal families.
We have talked for hours upon hours pondering as to why this could be. The strain at times has been unbearable.
We decided, as a last resort, to contact TAMBA to see if, for any reason, their behaviour might somehow be ‘twin related’.
We were referred to AUDREY SANDBANK and we travelled down to Surrey to meet her and to have a counselling session. Audrey has both Professional and Personal knowledge of twins (of a similar age to ours) – which for us made our decision to see her more plausible.
The time we spent with Audrey was, to say the least, enlightening. After listening to our ‘history’ Audrey was able to identify many ‘traits’ in our daughters. She explained how and why they ‘ticked’; how and why their behaviour has evolved as it has. Through speaking with Audrey my husband and I both realised that we sometimes had different views of our situation.
Audrey was able to reassure us that such behaviour of ‘the twins’ was not uncommon – especially those with an elder sibling. She explained how our daughters thought and behaved which as Parents we thought we knew – but now understand have been powerless to understand or even change.
Now, a few months after speaking with Audrey – we are re-building a better relationship with ‘the twin’ in this country. We have been following Audrey’s advice – and we are moving forward, little by little.
In conclusion, we would advise anyone to seek Professional help. Whenever we feel we have a problem – we mentally refer to Audrey’s words and advice. The advice she has given has been invaluable and we only wish we had contacted her many years ago.
The T’s – Ashby de la Zouch.
We are a set of 32 year old identical twin males. The joint youngest of 6 kids, we endured trauma from an alcoholic parent at a young age. Despite being as close as we thought we were, our 20s brought in a slew of mental health issues with each other that went unchecked for years. In a make or break moment, we decided we should seek twin therapy.
And we are so glad we did. Audrey is an expert on all things twin and helped us learn more about being twins ourselves. Every identical twin should seek counselling with each other – and there’s no one safer to do this with than Audrey. She helped us find peace and learning in a way we cannot describe. To have even considered this positive outcome when we were in our darkest places felt impossible, but it’s not. It was all possible.
Please, if you’re reading this and are a twin, do not hesitate to contact Audrey. But be prepared to put the work in and know that it’s worth it in the end – because you get to function harmoniously with your twin.
We’ve finished our main bout of sessions with Audrey – but will definitely be topping up in the future if things start to feel tough again.
Michael and Paul